Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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