I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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