I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
