This is not my ceiling
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
