Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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