i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
