I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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