he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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