my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
