You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
