If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
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Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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