It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
