my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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