I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
