you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD