I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.