i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Damn victory sex feels great
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?