HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
