Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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