i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
