I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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