I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
