he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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