I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
