u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
