The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
