Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
