one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
