The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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