I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
