I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
