i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
