I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She's the barista slut.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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