god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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