I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
