i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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