i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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