I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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