allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think my mom watched the whole time
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
