So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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