Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
