wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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