K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
