I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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