do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
