the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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