and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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