if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i think my cat just said my name.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
