So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
