I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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