I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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