i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
