i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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