The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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