She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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