Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
