I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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