When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
