Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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