relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
